Faith of the Innocent

I wrote this some time ago but ran across it and decided to post it here …

Faith of the Innocent

As I looked into my son’s eyes one night, I saw something amazing. I saw absolute trust, absolute faith . . . in me. He knows that I will take care of him, that I will make sure he has breakfast in the morning, and that he will have everything he needs to be happy. I watch over him when he is ill, I comfort him when he cries, and I find joy in his smiles. As I think about how wonderful he must feel knowing that he is completely taken care of, I felt overwhelming happiness that I was able to give this gift of faith to my son. I then began to wonder, “Why don’t we believe this way about God? Why don’t we have this wonderful absolute trust in God?

In my life, I have learned a difficult lesson that may not be completely true. By putting my absolute faith in those that seemed worthy, I was let down on many occasions. I don’t just mean my parents, either. I am talking about religious people and religious leaders . . . those that claimed they loved me but only when it benefited them . . . those that saw someone they could help but were afraid of the dangers involved. Granted, my childhood was a little different and not exactly ideal, but was I so different than everyone else? Why were people only interested in reaching out to me if they could benefit? Why were those who really could have helped too afraid to step forward? And so I wondered, “Do we all lose faith as we grow older? Do we become jaded and let down by the world so badly that we also lose true faith in God?”

For some time, I had lost all faith in God. I felt that God had turned his back on me because everyone else in my life had done so. As time went on, I came to a realization which resembled the “Footprints” poem. I looked back at my life to see that those I trusted had indeed turned away due to their own fear and insecurities, but God and my angels never left my side. There were very difficult decisions that I had to make at only seventeen. At a time in my life when I should have been enjoying my senior year of high school, I was making life changing decisions about basic survival issues. I now understand that I could in no way have really made those decisions on my own.

I felt so guilty and ashamed of turning away from God that I thought he would never forgive me, but I also found that the God portrayed in my youth as vengeful and someone to fear was not real. In fact, God really gives us a love greater than the human mind can fathom. God and my angels were with me through all the difficult decisions I had to make and through all the heartache I felt. I was not alone after all! In fact, he sent a human being to help me feel safe.

During a time in my life when I felt so alone and so afraid, I prayed to God one last time for one last hope. In my despair, I prayed for a savior. I prayed for someone to love me. I prayed for someone to take me away from all the people who were so horrible to me. I wanted to be really loved, and I wanted to forget about everything that had happened. It was then that my husband came to my rescue. At that time, we were both seniors in high school and had been friends for a little while. While I fell in love with him, all the people that were using me and hurting me fell away. God had answered my prayer and lit a spark of faith within me.

Even after knowing that God was never angry with me and was always there, even in my darkest times, I still worried that I would eventually have to pay for losing faith in him. The greatest gift God could ever give to me is the gift of a child. My love for children is what fills my heart more than anything else. When I first became pregnant, I felt the most amazing joy, but there was a small part of me that feared my gift would be taken from me. I didn’t feel worthy of the baby or my husband, and I worried that God would decide I wasn’t worthy after all. My pregnancy was a difficult one. I was sick all the time and ended up on bed rest. Needless to say, I had a good amount of free time and read a lot about pregnancy and childbirth. I was really scared about delivery, so I read about everything.

The doctors didn’t induce labor until my son was almost three weeks overdue. There were complications. I went in at 6pm. My labor wasn’t supposed to actually begin for 24 hours. It began immediately. Unfortunately, the hospital had assigned a new nurse to watch over me and told her that nothing would happen. She didn’t believe that I was having intense contractions and back labor, and she was convinced that my labor had not yet started. When the nurse finally checked the monitor, she realized that my contractions were coming one after another and never reaching a valley. Another nurse came in and was shocked by how much I had dilated, the severity of my contractions, and the fact that my baby was not even close to coming out. As anyone who has ever gone through childbirth will know, I felt like I would not make it through this. I had an overwhelming fear that my baby was dying inside of me. As other doctors and nurses came running into my room, my fear was validated. My son was dying. His heart rate was very low, and an emergency cesarean was in order.

I had never seen my husband so terrified, and then I realized that I was no longer afraid. It was as if I had known about the cesarean for some time, and I was relieved that the hospital had finally figured it out. I had been guided to read and understand exactly what was about to happen while I was on bed rest. When they pulled my son out of me, there were gasps throughout the room. His hands and feet were paper white, and the rest of his body was deep purple. It seemed like an eternity was going by as the other doctors tried to bring him back. I could see his little purple body. There was a clock above him counting time that had elapsed. Through my tears, I kept watching the clock . . . 3 minutes . . . 5 minutes, . . . 7 minutes . . . then finally a faint cry. I was allowed to give him one kiss before the doctors rushed him out of the room. I needed my husband to go with our son, and I felt so alone with my fear overwhelming me. No one would answer my cries to know if my baby would survive. A nurse put me back together, and I was taken to another room. People were walking in and out of the room, but no one would talk to me. I actually wondered a few times whether or not I was still alive.

It was almost two hours before I knew for sure that my son had survived. My husband brought him in to me, and I held him for the first time. As I held my son, I wasn’t sure if I should believe that he was really okay. He looked healthy and safe, but what had happened?

It wasn’t until the next day that the full effect of what happened hit me. I had been given a gift. Even though my body was too small for my baby to come into the world, and my human care takers didn’t do everything the way they maybe should have, God managed to give his precious gift to me anyway. This was real. This little baby boy was really safe, and he was my son . . . my precious gift from God!

I later began to put it all together and thought about how God is our Heavenly Father/Mother . . . a parent who has never ending, never wavering love for us. We know that God wants us to be happy, and he would do anything for us if it were in our best interest. If we know this, then why do we not have the unwavering faith of our children? Why can’t we have enough faith to give up our worries to God & Heaven? If we ask God for help, he will make sure that we are taken care of as long as what we ask is in our highest good. We don’t need to make decisions out of fear of the future. Let us look through the eyes of our children. We know that God will provide for our basic needs, and he will give us what we need to be happy.

As I looked at my son and realized that God really did give me a healthy beautiful child, despite the fact that my world seemed to be crashing down around me, I began to realize that maybe I am worthy. Maybe I am worthy of the unwavering faith in my son’s eyes. Maybe I am worthy of the unconditional love, forgiveness, and grace of our Creator. And, maybe he is worthy of my faith. Why should I fear someone who loves me enough to give me everything that I really ever wanted or needed? I have the love of an amazing husband . . . my guardian angel sent here to Earth to help and guide me on my life path. I have a beautifully amazing little angel of my very own who loves me no matter what I look like in the morning. Last but not least, I have a wonderful family in Heaven that is ready and waiting for any sign that I may need their help.

If we really sit back and reflect, I know we can all find the “Footprints prayer” in our own lives. Even if you’ve felt that God abandoned you, I can promise you that he never has. He’s never angry with us. He’s never disappointed with us. He never holds back his love from us. Think of yourself as a parent or a guardian of someone you dearly love. What would you do to make this person happy and protected? As a parent, I would walk through fire if only for the benefit of my son, and I know God and my angels would do the same for me. Open your heart, and allow yourself the gift of faith. Allow yourself the wondrous faith found in the eyes of the innocent . . . the unscathed. Have faith in the one being who has complete faith in you. Have faith in God and your family of angels that are always by your side. Talk to them, pray to them, and trust them. I do!