Finding Me (Mary)

by Re, founder of Angel Messenger

I have been putting off writing this mostly because I didn’t know where to start. How does someone begin writing about the Goddess who lives within them, especially when there are so many claiming it is so in such an egocentric way? Follow Me! Love Me! Pay Me and Join My Circle! They become a façade of themselves as a form of entertainment for others so that they can feel the love they so desperately need.

I think that’s part of why I pushed all this away. It’s why I pushed my father away. It would have been too easy for him to have power over me, at least at that time. When he first came into my life, I would have given anything to know what it felt like to be loved by a parent. That’s why She pushed him away for me.

She is a part of me, and that is difficult for me to say, even now the way I understand it to be True. She is part of Me as She is also part of you. We are all part of the Creator. If you think about it, can any artist create something without leaving a part of themselves in that work? We are all a part of the Divine! We are all a part of Her and She us, and we are all a part of Him and He us. This is important to understand, understanding that only in unity and balance can we become our Truest and Divine Selves.

Down the Rabbit Hole

They say healing happens in a spiral, and that is how it happened for me. At the very core of Me, I am a bit different than most of my family expected me to be, which is ironic considering our Ancestors. We are descended from the Romani and Native American bloodlines, though I’m a little Irish and a few other things. I’m a old fashioned American Immigrant, and I’ve found a path that is a blend of Christian/Romani/Native American.

Some family members made me feel like I was somehow wrong for who I am, and it was difficult to constantly feel like I was being rejected by those who should have loved me. However, during my healing work, I also found that my family carries deep Feminine pain where there is jealousy when one does better than another or one has something another has not. I was usually on the receiving end of that jealousy and anger, learning that success brought me nothing but pain, and that was brought into my work.

I did not charge what I was worth. I gave more than I had, and I put others before myself and my family. Now, I see my worth and understand why I felt that way. It’s easy to want to be hard on yourself for it. Maybe you see that you do the same but being hard on yourself does not help; that just makes you more of a victim in someone else’s game. Don’t be their pawn; just stop playing. See yourself for who you are! See your worth!

I set an alarm on my cell phone to go off every single day to remind me to tell myself what I am worthy of … “I am worthy of love. I am worthy of kindness. I am worthy of a healthy body, healthy food and to be financially secure.”

These are things that have been difficult for me because of things in my life, people who would want “their share” of my success, so I would feel I wasn’t allowed to be happy if others were not happy. If I received a gift, others would be jealous, and many times that gift would get ruined or be taken from me.

First, I had to understand why these people did what they did … what their motivations were. At first, I thought it was just plain jealousy. However, as I have climbed back up the spiral, I have learned that there is more to it than that. People have profited from harming me. It has been in their best interest to control me, whether intentionally through manipulation or by actively harming me in my life.

It does sound crazy, and I wish it was too “out there” to be true. However, there was a time just after high school that my family and people from my church actively interfered and forced me to have to leave university.

I fought and went to great lengths to prove I was not living with parents. (I had left home and was living with a friend). This helped me to get grants for school. I had to get letters from teachers and my pastor. I got into a religious university out of state, and I was happy to be able to start my future outside of everything that had happened.

My roommate and I had known each other since second grade, even though we went to different schools. By this time, I was living with my grandparents, and my life was much better. My roommate and I both had boyfriends. Our families liked us to visit only with them when we came home, especially my grandparents, so one weekend we decided not to tell them we were home and visited our boyfriends instead. We had just been home to visit our families, and we were staying with our boyfriends’ families (not alone in their beds). We had no ill intentions. In fact, we just didn’t want our families to feel bad.

Someone apparently saw us (someone in my family admitted to seeing me), and all of a sudden, a rumor began spreading at church that my roommate and her boyfriend and me and my boyfriend were all having sex together. I was mortified!!! (I didn’t even know this was something people did.) I was a virgin, and they made me out to be a whore!

To make matters worse, I could no longer afford to go back to school. I was to be punished in several ways, which was ridiculous considering not only was I 18 and should have been able to visit whomever I wanted. I was also my own parent according to the law. But, in the very least, I was INNOCENT!!!

To begin, I was the pastoral leader for my floor (I can’t remember what it was called, but every floor had one), but that was to be taken from me. This meant everyone would know I was being punished, so the real punishment was shame. Second, I was to be removed from the cheer team. Third, I lost the work program, which was $5,000 per semester, and that meant I could no longer afford to go to school there. It was all because people made up lies.

As horrible and painful as this was, it was one of the things that made me turn away from my family, and it was also one of the things that connected me to Mary. As I said, I have connected to Goddess energy, but there have been many. Mary is only one, but it was my empathy and anger for Her that connected me to Her. I understood Her because of what they did to me, but that does NOT mean that what they did was ‘meant to be’ or in any way get them off the hook for what they did.

They caused great harm in my life. This action caused a cascade of negative events in my life that caused me to blame myself over and over, constantly hurting myself to fix whatever was wrong with me. But, nothing was ever wrong with me. Once I found this battered aspect of me at the bottom of myself, I picked Her up, angry at what had been done to this innocent child. I wiped Her tears as a mother should and revealed Truth. It was NEVER Her fault! (I’m seriously starting to think that the original sin was actually the betrayal of Eve.)

Anyway, because of that connection to Mary, I am also able to turn my anger at those who hurt me into compassion. I feel Her anger, though. I feel Her anger, not just about what they did to Her. It’s about all they have done to women. It’s about all they’ve done in the last two millennia. They murdered Her son, and then they stripped Her from His story.

For Me, Mary the Mother and Mary the Magdalene both feel the same yet slightly separate. I can separate them, yet they both exist within Me because I was both Maiden and Mother to myself. Since my hysterectomy, I now also connect with the Crone.

I often hear the Goddess within Me, though I often do not know which Avatar She is coming to me as. She is extremely protective of children – even ones that are not “mine”, though I will often hear Her say “mine” in my mind.  I have said before that most of the time people get the “Quan Yin” version of me, unless they are being an ass. If they bring their ass self into my space, then they get Sekhmet. It’s not really the joke I pretend it to be. I am normally a very kind and understanding person, but it would be a mistake for those attempting to take advantage of my kindness to assume that I am ignorant or easily steamrolled. After all, I am learning that I do have watchful guardians, and they see things even if I do not.

She is highly protective of ME and those in my family, especially children. Do No Harm! Do Not Seek to Harm Any Child, especially the ones She considers to belong to Her, and there are many Children of Heaven!!!

Finally, I have again found ME.

Love & Blessings,

Re