We Are Enough

by Re, founder of Angel Messenger

It has been a long and winding road on the path back up to finding myself again. I sometimes have to take breaks from my work for different reasons. This time … well, I’ve been struggling with what I believe because I’ve been hurt so many times, and healing has been so hard to find.

I looked for healing in religion. I looked for it on a more “spiritual path”. Now, I’m not sure what you would call me, but just “ME”. I’m a collection of my experiences. I left religion because I found it to be false, but this “spiritual world” is not exactly True either. There’s a lot that is just misunderstood superficial jargon, mostly based on the egos of those in charge at the time – until you start looking deeper into everything.

One thing that I have really struggled with is forgiveness because everyone seems to think they know best and tell me something that my body, mind and spirit almost violently rages against. I was made to feel bad that I don’t agree, like there is something wrong with me, but I’m not wrong, and I’m standing my ground.

After seeking therapy over this issue and healing deep pain, I’m going to say something not all of you will agree with, and that’s okay. I’m going to stand beside the broken because they deserve a Champion, and I will NEVER say that a child should be forced to forgive their abuser(s).

There are those who have tried to force me to say I forgive all those who hurt me, but what they don’t realize is that I forgave those individuals a long time ago for what they did to me because I did see them as the broken children they are. Unfortunately, I stupidly assumed they would want to be better people because of that forgiveness. But, just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean they feel they did anything wrong. It doesn’t mean they will want to do or be better.

A quote that I’ve had thrown in my face is actually one that we have a meme of for a Facebook post, but it’s really taken out of context. There are many types of anger as there are many types of love.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” – Buddha

Now, this quote has a longer version, the whole thing being about anger. Let’s think about that for a minute. Anger could be this … You get a flat tire because the roads in Michigan are in severe need of repair, and you forgot about that huge pothole on your way to work this morning because you were running late. Is that anger worth holding onto? No, of course not! You’ll be irritated for a bit. You’ll get your car fixed, and you’ll get over it.

What if all those victims at Michigan State University who were sexually assaulted by those who were supposed to be caring for them never found a voice? What if the Truth was never set free! What if those girls kept thinking things were their fault, that they were somehow wrong or bad? Are they at fault for holding that in? (Because that’s what you’re saying if you think victims should be forced to forgive.) What if people told them to “just get over it”?

I was recently made aware of one of the ways the fallout affected staff. They now have a lesser insurance. I’m guessing this is because other insurance companies didn’t want to insure them. I of course immediately felt badly about this because it wasn’t everyone’s fault this happened. In fact, I know for sure that at least one lawyer was in it for the wrong reasons and didn’t care about the girls. He made me really upset. That’s one problem with issues that are big like that; you have to make sure there isn’t a sucker fish tagging along for the ride.

In my case, my forgiveness led to others getting hurt, and then I blamed myself for that. I have a very long history of blaming myself for things … for every little thing actually. Again, something I learned a very long time ago. This is something I am learning to stop doing in therapy. I’m learning that I deserve love and care, too.

Others in my life, including a therapist, have added to that blame. I had a therapist who once told me that I should have gone back to an abusive situation after I had successfully broken free and contacted authorities. I carried that blame, and I’m still trying to get it out of my body. She was a very expensive therapist, too.

Today I called a crisis line and spoke with a representative from a women’s organization that works with victims of crimes against women. I now know that therapist should not have said those things to me. I also know that so many things I have been carrying because I DID FORGIVE are not my fault either. What those people did was their own choices – not mine.

In fact, the only person I have not forgiven is myself. I have allowed myself to be hurt so much, and I didn’t deserve it. We all deserve love. We all deserve kindness. I deserved what every child deserves – a loving home!

Obviously, pain can be a prison that traps your body and mind for years and years. I’ve broken out of a lot of it, though, and I’m fighting through those last bits. It’s just difficult when you’re hit by a tornado.

Something happened recently that brought all this pain back to me. I was so angry that I wanted to hurt someone really badly. If you are a parent, you would likely feel the same. It hit me hard, and made me blame myself. It’s what began my connection to the women’s group. It’s good I’m not a violent person, but my anger was so strong that it’s still making me sick, and I wanted to fight something. (I know I internalize everything; I’m working on it.)

In the midst of the anger I felt over this event, I had to balance with love and protection for three other parties. That’s not easy to do, but I’m really trying. I’m working on raising the vibration of this event, working the energy through my body so that it doesn’t make me sick. I’ve seen how this has worked with other things, so I hope it will work this time.

This is where that quote comes back to me. I know my emotions affect my body, but anger is an emotion that tells us something is wrong. Anger is not “evil”. In fact, anger can be a Holy Flame of righteousness that is necessary at times. I’ve been thinking that what I’m feeling is because something is wrong with me, but what if it’s because something is very right?

Even the place I called is a representation of the Magdalene energy on Earth. I’ve known Brigid as the flame keeper, and she did save me as a child. However, I’ve read information recently that the flame is far older than I realized – by A LOT!

As of right now, I don’t know what the future holds for Angel Messenger. I do still believe that I am meant to be a messenger, but I’m tired of yelling into a void. So, there are going to be some changes. I may take on other projects. Free things may require a minimum donation going forward – to respect my energy and to help with my work.

It is necessary to make the world a better place for those I love and for all living things, and I just don’t know if I’m making that difference right now. If I can’t do it with Angel Messenger, I will have to find another way.

We should be able to do this, though. Do you know how many people visit this website? It’s enough to make a difference! I’m enough … and you … are enough. <3

Much Love,

Re