When The World Can’t See Your Beauty
(Keeping Your Beautiful Heart)
The people in this world can sometimes be quite horrible. Sometimes they can be pretty great, too, but that “sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs” phrase may apply to people in general I think. Personally, I have witnessed and experienced a very ugly side of the world, and I used to wonder what I did to deserve such unkindness. But, the thing is that I’m sure I probably agreed to this. And, if I don’t survive this time around, I’ll probably agree to it again. That is what lightworkers do, right? We just keep on reincarnating ourselves right back here, trying our best to make this world a better place … no matter what humanity does to us.
Or, maybe my family is right and I am just a little weird. Sometimes I think that I would have to be a little weird to have agreed to this life, but it hasn’t been all bad. I do believe that I would have agreed to the challenges I have faced if they would have made a difference, if they would have made the world a more beautiful place … but I’m not sure I’ve been able to do that. Sometimes I’m not sure this world is able to see beauty, let alone any beauty I have created.
When I first decided to begin this project on Beauty, I chose it partly because it wasn’t something that I held so closely to my heart that I would be heartbroken if people tore me down for it. It wasn’t something that was as risky to share with this world. Or so I thought …
A couple of years ago, I came to a place where I had very little hope left in my life and finding small rays of light, love and beauty was what brought me back. Finding that there was still beauty within all the cruelty and darkness that had been thrust upon me is what saved me, and that is why this project has become so very important to me … there might be someone else out there who needs to be reminded that there is still beauty in the world, despite what people can or cannot see. I cannot pretend that this world is rainbows and butterflies all the time because that is simply untrue, and pretty lies are not helpful to anyone.
My personal experience with this world, with the people of this world, is that it is not always beautiful. I have known great unkindness in this life and am now at a place where I am no longer willing to silence my voice. I am no longer willing to stand down because someone may disagree with me.
What you will read below is my authentic Truth.
Feeling Safe in an Unsafe World
I’ve shared before some of the challenges I’ve faced from my childhood, like being told as a very young child that I was evil simply because I have blonde hair, but there’s a lot I haven’t shared. There’s a lot that I don’t feel safe sharing. I’m still in the process of healing, and that’s okay because it is a process, and I’m working with an amazing therapist to help me through it. I have been through a lot, and It’s going to take a bit more work for me to truly feel safe in this world.
Because of my work with Angel Messenger, I had a real-life stalker at one point, and there were times when clients would show up uninvited to my home. Considering I had a young child of my own, this made me very uncomfortable and was part of why I stopped offering in-person appointments.
Not so many years ago, my own life was threatened when we redesigned this website, which we had to do because our old website was dying (and would have meant the end of our free online reading program). My family’s well-being was threatened as well. This was all after we had been through several losses and my own illness was just beginning to really take hold.
So, I took a major step back from Angel Messenger for the last few years to focus on my health and homeschooling my son. No one has the right to threaten my life or my family – especially over work that I was doing for free … that my husband was doing for free. Seriously, how dare they!?! I guess it’s a thing people do online these days … when people get their panties in a twist about something they don’t like that app developers have changed or updated, their go to move seems to be to offer death threats, but that’s not okay with me. I do not accept that for myself or my family, and no one else should have to accept that for themselves either! That is not okay, and we will not be allowing that kind of energy here for myself, my family, my staff or for our website visitors. Better behavior should be expected.
Once upon a time, I was a very religious woman, but that was taken from me as well when my church betrayed me in a way that I would never in a million years have guessed they would have done. As a naive virgin myself, the lie they spread about me was something so disgusting that I had no idea it was something people actually even did. Still to this day, I cannot figure out how people who were supposedly people of God came up with something that was so outside the line of who I was. People that I thought loved me and were those that I trusted as a safe place in the storms I battled just years before had not only believed this ugliness about me, they were spreading the lie. They cast such horrible shame upon me that I did not deserve, but I will carry that shame no longer! That shame was never mine to carry!
What they did to me threw a huge curve ball into my life. It was so heartbreaking for me that I left the religious university I was attending and basically turned my back on God. (Though I later realized God never turned his back on me.) As I said, I will no longer carry that shame. My heart is a vibrant mirror of white light, burning away all the untruth and reflecting that shame back upon those who cast it on me … for it is theirs to carry … it is their karma to balance!
My husband was raised Catholic. When my husband and I decided to marry, we checked into getting married in the Catholic church to make his family happy, until the priest let me know that I was going to hell because I was not born Catholic. How is it my fault that my own Catholic family decided it was too embarrassing that an illegitimate child existed so went about their lives pretending that I did not exist? We decided not to be Catholic as we are both sure that Jesus would not send me to hell for not being a religion that had not even been invented when he himself was alive.
This may give you some idea of why I personally do not belong to any religion but yet “accidentally” found my way to Shamanism and then to discover that I am descended from two Shamanic cultures. According to my research, religions are supposed to aid us on our spiritual journeys toward enlightenment. I’m not convinced any of them are doing such a great job on that front. My experience with religion has taken me on a different journey.
If parents and religions cannot protect children from the ugliness and untruth of this world, what chance do children have of discovering their own beauty – their own Truth? Instead, we keep breaking our children, and those children grow up to break their own children … and the cycle continues over and over again … sending the message that this world is not safe for our Divine beauty.
I do find it funny that my family finds my work offensive. My cousin once told me that she doesn’t agree with what I do, but she still loves me anyway. What does that mean? I do appreciate that others have opinions, but this was personal judgment – and I have carried it.
My mom once left me a voicemail that people in her church were being mean to her because of what I do for a living … my answer? “Well, Mom, what should that tell you about the people in your church?”
The reason I find this funny is that this is the same side of the family that has Shamanic roots. So, I am evil because I remembered who I am? Nope, I’m not carrying that b.s. … keep it to yourself! No thank you! I will not dishonor my ancestors by carrying someone else’s fear and lies! That is not beautiful! I still love my family and even all the others who have cast hate and ignorance upon me, but myself and my ancestors will no longer carry the judgment of others.
To clarify, if religion does work for you, that’s great. I’m not here to judge another’s path. No human being has that right. We are all here trying to find our way through the darkness. Religion simply did not work for me, but it may work for you. Personally, I find more Truth and a closer connection to God on my front porch than I ever have in any church, but that is my Truth – my journey. Home is where I feel safe. Home is where I meditate, where I connect with nature, where I sing and create art, where I connect with my higher self, God and Goddess. Home is my Church.
Carrying On Because I Love Them
I have continued to carry on, trying to be a light in this world in whatever way I can … partly because if I do have to come back here one day, I want to make sure I did all I could to raise the vibration so that my next life isn’t so bad. Mostly, it’s because there are people that I love that will be left behind, like my own child. Especially after these last couple of years, it’s difficult to not allow fear to take hold for what the future may hold for him and the other children in my family …. and the other children in this world. My worst nightmare would be to get to Heaven and look back to find that I made a mess of things or didn’t do all that I could have done to make things better. That’s why I get so frustrated when the world throws walls in my way.
Walls of Steel – Keeping My Soul Down
A couple of years ago, my family decided to donate to a children’s charity instead of buying gifts for each other at Christmas time. We went to Walmart and filled a grocery cart with stuffed animals, Legos, Barbie dolls and other toys. We dropped off the toys at a drop off center which was actually at a local bank. We did get a few odd looks walking in with two full garbage bags and a couple of other shopping bags. That was the end of it, and we were happy with ourselves that we were able to give something to children who may not otherwise have received gifts. (This was a big deal to me especially because Salvation Army gifts were pretty much the only gifts I received at Christmas as a kid myself.)
A few days after dropping off the toys, we went to support another cousin who was doing an event with her children’s choir at her church. There was a big winter storm coming. It was Christmas Eve, and I knew there would not be many people in the audience. Since we only live two minutes from the church, my husband and I went to be extra people in the audience.
After the event, we noticed they had a giving tree in the lobby filled with tags from children who had requested gifts. There were maybe three gifts in the box that had been purchased and countless tags still left on the tree. I don’t know how long that tree had been there, but considering the number of people that attend that church, it was disheartening that only three donations had been made. I sincerely hoped the congregation had shared their compassion elsewhere. It made me really sad that all those requests would not be filled. There was nothing I could do as all the stores were now closed, but there is a reason that I still feel badly about this …
The following spring, there was an open house for a new business in town. My best friend and I went to the open house and found our way to the charity center in the basement where the tour director was telling everyone how the owner purchases all of the items with her own money and gives them to people in need. I was impressed until we walked into the giant rooms filled with toys … and found the toys my family had donated that previous Christmas. How did I know? Because I recognized several of the items we donated and knew it could not just be coincidence, for one thing. Also, two of the items we donated required batteries, which were taped to the box in the exact same spot I had taped them with the same brand of battery. When I mentioned that I was pretty sure my family had donated some of these toys through the “XXXX” donation at the “XXXX” bank, the woman just started at me blankly.
I then asked how these toys are given to families in need as I was disappointed my donation never made it into the hands of children. Let’s just say I was not happy with the answer, and I still very much wish my $387 worth of toys had been given elsewhere. It’s not the first time someone else has taken credit for something I have done, though I did feel that was a bit disturbing. What was most disturbing to me was that there were two huge rooms full of toys in a musty basement with no clear method for giving them to the children that donors thought they were intended for.
And, all those tags on the giving tree at my cousin’s church were left unfulfilled less than a mile away that same Christmas. This is just one example of how sometimes no matter your intention, good deeds are just not given the traction they are intended to receive … because sometimes the intentions (and egos) of others get in the way.
Black Knight – Doctor of Ignorance or Ego?
Last fall, I was finally feeling like I was in a good place. My pain was under control with the use of pain meds, meditation, massage, acupuncture, etc. … but it was under control. I was starting to feel like I could have a life. I was starting to feel like I could make plans.
So, I started thinking about a project. I wanted to do something for the community, and I wanted to make sure my efforts were not in vain like they had been with the toys. And I wanted to do something that would be meaningful that I could dedicate to those we had lost.
I came up with an idea for a community charity event called Books & Buddies. My plan was to raise enough money to provide a book and a stuffed animal for at least 100 children in my community. It was the first thing I had been excited about in a long time. I had researched books and stuffed animals for different age groups, estimated costs and knew about how much money I would have to raise … and then came along the black knight.
Everyone who suffers from chronic pain or illness has met this person. If not, they unfortunately will. This is the doctor who doesn’t believe that you are actually sick and derails your life because of his own ego. I was referred to this doctor who is the head of a pain clinic. Remember this …. this “doctor” is in charge of a “pain clinic” …
The short story is that, according to this doctor’s personal opinion, patients like me who “do not have a physical diagnosis for their pain are motivated to be in pain“. Yeah … nice guy.
My current diagnosis is Fibromyalgia and Chronic PTSD, which are apparently not a “physical” diagnosis, and some doctors actually do not believe Fibromyalgia is a real illness – despite the truth that an estimated 10 million people in the U.S. alone have it!
He was also irritated that my insurance company would not cover his ideas, and then cut my pain medication by 25% because he considered it “doing me a favor”. This, of course, set my pain on fire … an uncontrollable, raging fire!!! (Keep in mind, my story is not an usual one. Many people who suffer from issues like mine have similar experiences with medical “professionals”. Some people even die by suicide due to uncontrollable pain … we are the invisible people that many in the medical community just do not care about.)
Due to the ego of this black knight doctor, my health and well-being was set back by months. I was immediately bed bound and am still not where I was. There are still times when the pain is out of control. I do take more over the counter pain meds like Ibuprofen instead of the prescribed pain med I was taking then. However, my body can’t tolerate too much of that either. That man cost me over a year of my life so far because of his ego!
Personally, I feel that man should not have that job and maybe not even a medical license at all. Fibromyalgia is also known as the “suicide disease” for good reason. It is a horribly painful illness that is a battle every single day just to get out of bed. I wake up several times during the night due to pain. To walk into a pain clinic with the hope that maybe, finally, you have found someone that will understand and be able to help you with the pain because he is a “pain specialist” only to have him tell you that it’s all in your head because you are “motivated to be in pain” could very well be enough to push someone over the edge. He is playing a very dangerous game with people who are not aware they are even playing a game because it is in fact very real life.
I had to give up on my Books & Buddies project, and I’m still not in a place where I feel confident enough to be able to take on a project like that, but I keep fighting. Why? Because the black knights of this world can’t keep getting away with how they treat people! Because I have to believe somewhere there is a light in this darkness! Because I have to keep fighting! Because the ugly jerks of this world can’t win all the time. There have to be people who will listen and fight back! There have to be people who will say, “This is not okay! This dude is a jerk! I do not accept this for myself! NO! NO! NO!” There have to be people who care enough to speak out and make a difference. Maybe that person has to be me. Maybe I am the white knight – the light in my own darkness.
Beautiful No Matter What They See
There are people in this world who are not capable of seeing anything that is beautiful, and that is because they are not beautiful themselves. Of course, by now you know I am not talking about physical beauty. And sure, they may still have Divine beauty somewhere down deep … down very very deep … but they have wrapped some form of dark ugliness around themselves. They may be cruel. They may have ugly hearts. They may just be way too focused on themselves to see anything that is true and beautiful. But, somehow, they cannot see beauty. And, we have to be strong enough to say that it does not matter.
I know it is possible that I may not ever really make the difference I had intended to make in this world, and I have to be okay with that. I am a visionary at heart, but a broken body can only do so much. I tried for years to make enough money to build what I had intended, but I was torn down over and over again – even when I did everything for free … even when I used my own money to create community healing events … I was torn down. I kept trying to get back up over and over again, but my body may just be too broken to do it again. But I keep fighting, and again I’m creating. This time it’s a project on beauty that is costing me mostly just my time, but it definitely takes a lot of courage to share myself in this way again, too. And, even if I’m the only one who ever sees my beautiful heart, at least it existed. At least I tried to make a difference. At least I kept fighting. The pain I carry within has taken a lot from me, but one thing it cannot take is my voice.
In this world that can be so ugly and cruel, that wanted so badly for me to believe that I was evil and wrong for whatever reason people decided to come up with next, I have found a way to still have a beautiful heart, and I hope you will find a way, too. The truth is that what the ugly-hearted people of this world see or say doesn’t matter. Your Truth and your Beauty both reside within you. Only you truly know what is there. The lies other people tell you about yourself are irrelevant. Look inside yourself to see what is truly in your heart. God made you as a Divine Creation. You were Perfect when you arrived here … what this world did/does to you because of its own hate-filled ignorance and ugliness isn’t your fault!
If this post resonated with you, I would like to recommend a book that I linked to above … Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown. I’ve read several wonderful books in the last few years, but this one really hit home for me. She talks about how the opinions of those who are not brave enough to step into the arena don’t matter. They are happy to stand on the sidelines and throw nasty words and whatever else at us, but they are not brave enough to try to make a difference, so what they say should not make a difference within our hearts because they are not the brave-hearted. Those of us who are willing to step into the arena, those of us who are willing to brave the wilderness because we feel a calling deep within ourselves that cannot be denied, we are the voices that need to band together and lift each other up. We are the voices that are needed in this world.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt
Another link that I shared above is this song, which is one from my Beautiful World playlist. It helps me to remember that, though my pain has taken a great deal from me (that this world has taken a great deal from me), one thing it cannot take is my voice. I hope what I have shared here with you from my own journey has been helpful to you and will inspire you to begin taking back your power and to have faith in your own Beautiful Journey.
One last note … if this post did resonate with you, that may mean that you are also a survivor. Like me, you likely carry much of your beauty within. I have found the most true and valuable beauty of a person is always found within. Anything else is merely facade and will fade with time. Fellow survivor, I would ask that when you have found your own safe place, begin to reveal your most true and valuable beauty … at least to yourself. And, when you feel safe enough, share it with those who are worthy … because this world needs your Beauty – your Divine Light. Please know that you are worthy of what you hold within; the Great Spirit would not have given it to you if you were not. <3
P.S. This article is the seventh piece in our “Beauty Project ”. Myself and my team have decided that it is vitally important to help bring beauty into the world in whatever way we can and to help others to do the same. We hope that you will follow our project and that it helps you. Check out the rest of the project here.
Wishing You Much Love, Beauty & Heavenly Blessings,
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