“I have recently left a destructive marriage and my ex continues to do things that are just hurtful towards me. It was an emotional and physically abusive marriage and I always feel so guilty about the whole situation because I couldn’t make it work. He goes to church but is so wrong in his actions. I love him but was not going to allow him to kill me. If he loves or loved me why did he treat me the way he did and then blame me for everything? Am I a rotten person? … He denies ever abusing me and blames me. Why did this have to happen and will I ever find love and happiness?” – Sshabon
Dear Sshabon,
You are to be commended for ending an extremely destructive marriage, but it sounds like your ex still has power over you. It’s important not to blame yourself – or allow him to place his blame on you, but I understand how easy it can be to slip into doing such naturally. I believe your ex denies is actions because he can’t bring himself to see what he’s done. He doesn’t know how to deal with certain kinds of emotions, and that leads to aggression on his part. Unfortunately, you became an easy target for that aggression. He wants to believe that he’s a good man, and maybe he is a good man at heart. However, he was not a good husband to you, and you were right to leave the marriage.
As for why this happened, this is a question I cannot answer. There are several questions like that on my own list of things to ask God. Sometimes it’s for growth, sometimes it’s for healing, sometimes it’s only because we’re not yet strong enough to stand up and fight back, and sometimes bad things just happen.
The good news is that you will find love and happiness, but you do need to work on loving yourself first. Don’t allow your ex to hurt you. Push away from him; deny him the right to contact with you. He can only push you as far as you allow him to. Be strong – fight back.
I will say that I feel there is a strong desire on your part to find a relationship right away, and it may not be all for the right reasons. Do you want to show him what he’s lost? I can understand that, definitely. However, that means you’re not ready for a real, honest to goodness healthy relationship.
Another message I need to give to you is that you may have to work harder than you expect – maybe even harder than others have to in similar situations, but, whatever the arena, your hard work will pay off eventually. Maybe this has more to do with career than love life, but it’s something you need to know.
Your relationships with family and friends may be tested further this year. Keep your friends close, but make sure they’re not just telling you what you want to hear. Don’t push away the friends who tell you the brutal truth. Love isn’t always easy, but it’s never abusive.
Wishing you much love – true love,
Sheri
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You are very welcome and most definitely not alone. Hold onto your faith, and keep your head up. Remember, love is never abuse.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4
… one of my favorite Bible verses
I just wanted to say thanks Sheri for your reply and thanks to the two women who replied. I often feel isolated and feel like nobody knows what I went through or go through. My heart goes out to anyone going through a similar situation and I know there are worse situations. It is not easy to have to fight against those that were supposed to have your best interest at hand and regain a life that seems like a distant memory because. Thanks for the advise and encouragement and ladies stay positive and stay strong! For we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us! Thanks!
Thank you, ladies. It is difficult to go through situations like this, but the first step is always to admit it’s happening. It’s so easy to simply turn a blind eye and allow it to continue, but fighting and standing up for yourself will break you free.
I was also in an abusive relationship and after I left he kepted using the system to harass me , and he is still doing it. I needed to hear what you told your client. Even though I do not have any contact with him he has found a way to stay in contact with me through the system . It has been horrible!! Thanks for your words sheri . take care everyone especially if you are going through living hell. I alway use Sheri’s angel cards now for the past 5 years more or less. Thanks for having the free angel card reading.
Hi, I just wanted to say thanks for this post. It really speaks to me as if this were my own question. I guess I have some work to do before I’m ready to move on, but I’ll get there. I have faith in that. Thank you.