“My family is losing our home. The bank says we have just over six months to move out. We tried everything we could to prevent this from happening, but my husband has been sick and can’t work. My hours were cut at my job, so I took on a job as a night waitress to make ends meet. We still can’t make it. I can’t go to church on Sundays because I’m always working or too exhausted from working to go, but I pray to God and the angels to help us. They do nothing. I can’t help but wonder why things are so bad for us. Do you see things getting better, or are we being punished?”

This is just one example of the numerous questions I’ve received on this topic, and many of them revolve around feeling guilty or the judgment of others. I haven’t answered any of these questions until now. So many people have lost or are losing their homes and/or filing bankruptcy. It’s a difficult and horrible thing to go through this. I know because I’ve been there. I haven’t responded to these types of questions because I felt unqualified to answer them. How can I give advice on something so painfully close to my own heart? But, I can no longer ignore the obvious signs that I need to respond.

One thing I just cannot understand is why people are looked down upon when they’ve gone through this. Yes, once upon a time, bankruptcy meant you probably mismanaged some funds somewhere along the line. Maybe this is still true to some extent today, but it’s not the same. People are being forced into these situations because of extenuating circumstances. Again, I know this first hand.

My family is moving because we lost our home. The bank is taking it from us. We tried working with them, but they have only recently begun trying to work with people properly. I personally believe that what our bank did to us is at least immoral, if not slightly illegal. I had been sick and hadn’t been able to offer my services for several months. We were hurting financially, then my husband’s employer began having money problems. His hours and benefits were cut which meant more out of pocket expenses for my medications and doctor visits. Specialists are not cheap, either! We worked with a man at our mortgage company and agreed to a six month moratorium where our loan would basically be put on hold for six months. At the end of that time, we were supposed to start our payments back as they once were. That’s not quite what happened, however. We paid our first payment. When the second month’s bill came, we saw several charges had been added to our bill for late payment. Our check had been cashed for the previous month, but it was never applied to our account. After several phone calls, we discovered that the man we had been working with was no longer employed by our bank, and they had no records of our agreement. (We had a letter on file in my husband’s office that would have provided proof, but it was no longer legible since my husband’s office had been the main victim in our basement flood just weeks before. Very few important documents survived.) The bank demanded the full six months in back payments, and they were sure to tack on several extraordinary fees. They wanted almost $16,000! When we weren’t able to come up with the money, the bank demanded the entire amount due plus several more fees. This bank wanted us to pay over $137,000. That’s more than we originally paid for this house when we bought it in 2001. I hate to say they’re going to get what they deserve, but you know what they say about Karma. This house is in bad shape; they’ll be lucky to get half of what we owe. The saddest part of it all is our story is one that I’ve heard over and over from others. The banks have surely made a mess of things. Yes, I know they are overwhelmed, but these kinds of losses are what’s hurting our economy so badly. They really messed up.

For a long time, and maybe even still, I blamed myself for the situation our family was in. If I had stayed in the job I had before I had my son, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I would be making probably double what I currently make. I could have been promoted to a higher paying job within another company. I could have used my insurance license. I could have … been miserable. I would have been miserable, too. The job I had before I had my son was a full-time retail job. I was a manager of a multi-million dollar women’s clothing store. They paid me a lot less than they should have, and I’m pretty sure they violated a few human rights laws. I could write a book on all the stories I have, and I’m sure more than half wouldn’t be believed. One year, on Christmas Eve, the loss prevention department told me that I had to stay locked between the two sets of double doors until the day after Christmas. The locking mechanism had come out of the outer set of doors. Security came and wrapped chains around the handles and locked the doors, but that wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t be locked inside the store itself because loss prevention thought that was too risky … I might steal something. No, I’m not kidding. They wanted me to be locked in the glass vestibule between the two sets of double doors for two nights time … by myself … no food … no bathroom. I was to be the last line of defense in case robbers broke through the chains on the outer doors. I don’t know what type of defense they thought I would offer. I’m pretty sure they were nuts. They threatened my job, and I told them they could fire me and see how far that would get them. And that’s just one story.

I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. If I’d stayed working retail, I would be miserable and probably nuts myself. Besides, I like to think I make a difference in my current line of employment. ;) My husband assures me that I made the right choices, but it’s still difficult to not feel responsible. If I hadn’t gotten sick, we wouldn’t have needed the six months. It would still have been tight, but we could have made it. I too wondered if maybe I was being punished for taking a break from readings, but I wouldn’t have been any use to anyone. I knew this, but I still felt responsible.

So, now what’s happening? My father-in-law has placed himself in a precarious position with his retirement in order to help us get a home. It’s not the ideal situation. He says he will be fine, but I know the truth. I saw the accounts, and I know what he will have left … and what he won’t. If I had another option, I wouldn’t allow him to do this. If I had stayed working in retail … If I hadn’t gotten sick … but what does all that matter now? It’s the past, and it can’t be changed. I know I needed to leave retail. I know I’m doing what I need to be doing. I do wish I hadn’t gotten sick, but that’s something I have to deal with. Beating myself up over it isn’t going to help anything. All I can do is move forward. All I can do is my very best, and I will have to hope that’s good enough. I will have to believe it is, and I will have to have faith that something good will happen. However, I do know that something good I’m praying for will only happen if I’m constantly doing my best for my family … for myself. I can’t just let life stroll by and expect it. I can’t just let my father-in-law give up his hard earned retirement and not repay that debt. I have no choice but to go along with this plan for now, but I am working toward a new plan. My goal is to get our family settled, safe and secure. I hope we will be in a good enough position to be able to help Dad when it’s time, and I know that time will be sooner rather than later.

What advice do I give now? How do I respond to your questions? Well, my question is, “Why do banks get a reprieve but people don’t? Why is it okay for all these banks to file bankruptcy and step all over the rest of us, but a hard working family who loses the battle is looked at like a pariah?” I will tell you my opinion of those judging hearts are that they are either completely unaware and ignorant of reality, they’re lying to themselves to cover their own hardships, or they just have enough money that it doesn’t matter. Maybe that’s harsh, but I can promise you that there are more people hurting than not. I’ve encountered too many judgmental people in my time here, and most of them judge only a mirror image of themselves. I have family members who have relished in telling everyone of my “failure”, but they themselves are people that spend money without thought … going out to eat every other day … shopping trips with carts full of needless things. I’d like to ask them how many charitable donations they’ve made in the last year. I’d bet they haven’t made any in the last ten except maybe for Girl Scout Cookies, but that’s not exactly the same.

Don’t own the judgments of others. It’s difficult. I get angry when I think about it, but then again maybe that’s really because I still blame myself. How can I expect others not to judge me when I judge myself?

The goal here is to have a goal. You do the best you can with what you have and you move forward as best you can. Maybe you can only take baby steps, and maybe someone will come along and knock the ladder out from underneath you, but you do what you can. Remember the Prayer of Serenity? It’s one of my favorites! Understand what is in your power to change, and give the rest to Heaven. I would like to remind everyone that works the other way, too. Understand what is in your power to change, and do something about it. Don’t be the couch potato who says they’re too depressed to wake up in the morning. You have the power, the ability, to wake up! That is something YOU CAN CHANGE!!! God isn’t going to just snap his fingers and POOF! … everything is all better, and it’s an unreasonable expectation to believe this will happen. You must have faith that things will get better, yes. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t believe in miracles, but we must also take action where and when we can. We are responsible for our own free will, and that can greatly affect the outcome of our situation.

I’m going to be moving in June. The bank will take back my house and sell it for a fraction of what I would have paid them, and the cycle will continue until our broken system is repaired. It will take some time, but we have to move on. We have to move forward to the next step. No, I don’t think those losing the battle are being punished. Actually, I think the opposite. In my case at least, the way everything happened seemed so surreal that it was like some external force came down and intervened. If that guy at the bank hadn’t been fired … If our basement hadn’t flooded. We’ve lived here nine years, and that was the only time our basement ever flooded like that – almost two feet! Why would that be? Maybe we are being forced out, but maybe it’s for the best. I have to believe that’s true for me. If it’s true for me, maybe it’s true for you. However, things are already changing. Banks are more willing to work with people now than they were six months ago. You may still be able to save your home, but, if not, let it go and move forward. You are not being punished, but maybe you are being given a fresh start.

Wishing you all safety, security, love and happiness.

~ Sheri


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